In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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