Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
