how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
