If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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