That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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