The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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