I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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