It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
