Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
