when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
