I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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