he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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