Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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