Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pooping to opera.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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