why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
