Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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