Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
