At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
someone threw a dead crab at me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
