things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The beer is more important than you right now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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