Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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