Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
someone owes me an orgasm
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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