I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Randomize
