shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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