So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
