Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize