I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
