Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
