Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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