I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
