I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
