Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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