Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
