how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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