sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
