So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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