When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
