I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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