Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
