Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
