i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
