this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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