its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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