Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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