Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
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