Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
