Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
