Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize