somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
