I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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