i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
