I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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