if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
