You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
