no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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