last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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