You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
