Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
