My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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