No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
