cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
