I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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